Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Growing up

      I'm waking up more and more as I work through the whole mom dying thing. I'm finding myself having happy moments when I don't feel the weight of it on me, when I feel I am coming to terms with it. It will never not be horrible, but I know I will be happy again. That is such a good thing to know. And my mom wanted that so bad for me too. My last year was such a disaster, and she spent so much of her limited energy on me. The last months of her life was the closest we ever were, or that I could ever imagine being with someone else. She died, but she also gave me my life back before she did. I had been going so wrong and she found the perfect way to shock me back into my real self, and reinforced it by being willing to be my friend and demand the same of me, rather than being "MOM" and then dying to leave me in guilt and shame. God mom you were the greatest mom even when you stopped.
      Before the last year, my life was simple and safe. I was a good kid, had friends, a happy family and very comfortable life. But there is danger in that when you run into bigger issues in life, death, leaving the home and going out into the world, finding yourself. I understand why some people turn to drugs. Its a way of dealing with things that are just too big for you.
     I think that if I hadn't had these experiences of my last year, the big mistakes, the blow up with my parents and then my mom fixing it, her dying, and I had just continued on with the former good girl, comfortable life little me, I would go through life not as strong as I will now.
     I was flirting with a guy the other day.    :)   Been a while. He was a grad student TA and he knew that my mom had died. We started talking and it turned into a long conversation with him telling me stuff about his life and what he wanted to do in it, and it was nice to have this kind of conversation, sort of grown up. The me before this year would have been all in girl mode, self conscious, worrying about what he thought about me, how did I look, talking way too much and so on. But the now me, a girl who had survived lossing her mom, could just sit and listen. I didnt need to care about what he thought, I was stronger, had more of a sense of myself. Yes it is partially a clueless little slut friendship wrecker bipolar bitch, but also someone stronger who knew she could get through anything, and talking to a cute guy was no big thing. And maybe that is a better way to be with guys, not worried or despearate for attention, but simply take it or leave it.
     Of course when he found out that I was 17, it got ackward! What is it with guys? Yes I know its illegal for a 24 year old guy to have sex with a 17 year old girl, but it wasnt even going that way! Why cant he be the same person he was being, when he founds out I am a "little girl"?   :(    Oh well. It was fun feeling like I could be happy and think about guys and play with my hair and look into his eyes for just a bit. And instead of thinking my moms dead, thinking she would be so silly happy knowing I was flirting. I think she would.

Love you mom!

1 comment:

  1. Hang in there and don't let anybody decide what's best for you.
    "Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your ...religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it. ~BuddhaSee More