Saturday, October 30, 2010

As the pendulum swings

     So I told my therapist that I thought I was bipolar or something and she laughed at me. Not like at me but like I told her something that she really appreciated and it made her happy to hear. I was pretty serious about it too, and worried that maybe I was seriously messed up, more than I understood. So she had a good hearty laugh and then said yes you are bipolar and so is everyone else on planet earth. I think that she was glad that I was recognizing it.  I've been all hyper for the last few weeks after being really depressed and sad, and I'm posting all this crazy stuff and getting mad at people. But she says that what I am going through makes perfect sense for what is going on with my life right now and that I should just let go of what I think for a while and just enjoy the ride. Like step back and not judge what is going on, but to just have the experience. She said I should look for times that I add to the swinging of the pendulum and learn skills at slowing it, and really these things are just part of growing up and getting life experiences.
     I'm real hyper today, I cant focus. I wanted to keep writing about my mom, but I am so drained too that I cant even think or write. And there is the internet factor. It feels real good to get stuff out of me by writing about it, but the internet is not real life. My dad says it can be dangerous, because the things you get back from it aren't real life things, and people can get all involved in stuff that is not important or real. He says the best thing about a computer is that it has a power button. You just push it (off)  and suddenly real life appears!
     So I promised more about my mom, and I'm sure I will, but for now I need to push the button. The internet speeds up my pendulum.

Friday, October 29, 2010

I don't want to be your mom anymore!

    I know it sounds bad. But Its really good, but she really said that! And it was the best thing that ever happened to me in my life.
    OK, so in my last two posts I really told about how horrible I was, to her, my dad, my friends and really to myself too. And there is more stuff too from last year even before she got sick that I havent told. But the stuff when she was sick is more what this is all about.  I mean screaming at the top of my lungs mean things at my mom, when she was sick, slamming doors and being disgusting around the house, and being such a total total ultimate bitch.
     Looking back it is hard to believe I acted like I did. And impossible to understand. Its like I went crazy for a half a year. Well really 3/4. But why. I know my moms illness wasnt as big a thing in my mind as it should have been or is now looking back. Life at home was good too, we had a nice house and a pool and cars for each of us and bought our food at whole foods, not the cheap places. I mean I know kids who have never bought a starbuck, and only had one when one of the richer kids bought it for them, and then you dont want to do that because it makes them feel like they cant afford stuff, which they cant, but they are not bad people because of it!
    Anyway spoiled little bitch me, glaring at my parents when they tried to be nice and find out what was going on with me. Closing the door to my room and cutting them off. Staring at them when they would talk and just not answer or say anything, almost daring them to get mad. And the outbursts, yelling at them, getting them to yell back. I think I was trying to be impossible. But I still dont understand it.
   And the three big screw ups, real stuff that will affect my life for a while. Two of them below, and the one last year that there is NO reason to talk about, but really was when it started. Why did I act like this after all those years of being the good girl, the baby of the family, getting all the attention I could want. Even to the point that my brother and sister maybe even felt a bit pushed to the side. I was good too, my parents were proud of me and it was all going so well. Why did I have to screw it all up?
    Someday maybe I will know, but for now I want to talk about my mom. Like a play, the stage is set, Chloe, the psychobitch from hell, (and dont forget mega slut!), and her mom, angel from heaven with the wisdom of the ages, supported by the dad, a rock of stableness. And the scene, late spring early summer, Chloe had just embarrassed the family again, and caused major upsets to everyone in her life, and is acting completely psychotic!
    It was maybe a week after graduation, which didnt go that well with my attitude, but school was over and the stress should have been off and we could all settle down to the summer. But I was still going, and maybe even worse. We had yelled at each other the day before, mom and me, and getting up this morning was going to be tense, seeing her, and as I was banging around in my room, going through piles of clothes looking for something to get dressed in, my mom knocks and comes in. I say WHAT. ?? She looks at me real direct, like straight in my eyes till I am staring back and we are locked together, and says it.  I DONT WANT TO BE YOUR MOM ANYMORE.
    Fuck. This is going to be the argument of all arguments, if she is starting like this. She said get dressed, brush your teeth and then we are going to talk. So shorty sweats and top, a couple of hair clips and fresh panties and mouth, and I am ready to fight, but I'm not looking forward to it, this sounds like things have changed, and maybe I have screwed things up so bad that they are kicking me out of the family or something. I'm a little sad knowing that they dont love me anymore, but I'm going to fight them anyway. Fuck them. I'm thinking maybe I can go live with my sister and her husband for the summer, they have a new house and I can help out as payment for staying there, but really my sister is sort of pissed at me right now. First I have always been the one who took "her" attention. She was like 8 or 9 when I was born and had to help mom, or find something to do while mom took care of me, or be a good girl, while me and my brother were babies and toddlers. She joked about it, but you knew it was a little bit true and she probably had some hidden stuff about it. So well maybe I can go live with grandma and grandpa in Palm Springs, they always love me, and I'm old enough to drive now, and maybe they would let me spend the summer. But they are old and maybe mom wouldnt want to dump me on them. I dont know.
     I go into the living room and moms on the couch like she wants me to sit on it with her, and she has made two mochas, one for her and one for me. Strange. I sit on the far end, as far as I can get from her, but she leans over with my mocha and hands it to me and says take a sip, I made it the way you like with lots of choc syrup. OK now I know shes going to fuck with my mind. Is this my last drink before whatever? Nice knowing you chlo, when your finished the door is over there? And oh yeah leave all your clothes and stuff, because we paid for it? So I sip and its IS just like I like it, and I feel like crying, and I'm trying not to show it, but I feel like I'm going to miss this and everything and I'm a bit sad. But I'm going to be brave and take whatever she does.
     Then she says it again, but kinda soft, "Chloe I dont want to be your mom anymore". Oh here it comes, fuck fuck fuck,    then " I love you so much, and me being "THE MOM" and you being "THE DAUGHTER", is just not working for either of us. I want us to be something different, maybe more like who we really are without the labels, and things expected of us."
    WTF?? And I flash on how true it is, like we are being these things to each other that is not who we really are. My heart is beating so hard, she loves me?!? She does! Not like I thought she didn't, but I am getting it that she really does! And my eyes start raining so hard you can hear the drops hitting the couch!
     She says "what I am thinking is that we have a time out for a couple of hours everyday, when you can be who ever you want and I can be whoever I want, except neither of us can be mom or daughter. Maybe we can make up some strange reason why we are stuck together in the house, like you are a rock star and your car broke down on the road, and I'm a wealthy heiress with the only place a rock star could stay, or I'm the house keeper here and your my cousin from hondourus who I am hiding from immagration, or something like that different every day, and we can be together and not have to be what we are "SUPPOSED TO BE".        "Deal"??
   And I am crying so hard I cant talk, but I nod my head up and down real big, and try to look at her through my tears.
     We sat there real quiet for a while and sipped our mochas and I was letting myself chill from all the rush and tension I had built up. Then after a bit, I scooted over next to her and snuggled against her arm. I told her real quiet that I loved her too and was so sorry. She hugged me real tight, and said be thinking who you are going to be, because we will start in a few minutes. And she was all smiling down at me, and god I was feeling sooo good.
    So, theres more, and I'm going to call that post "my mom shows me who she really is by not being my mom or anyone I have ever known". Or something like that.


Of course we know she dies, just a couple months later, but this was one of the happiest times in my life, and I learned SO MUCH from her in those short months.

My Mom was the most amazing woman in the world.

More I DON'T want to talk about

     Theres a road up in the hills that is a dead end that guys go to party or take girls too. Guys call it "the lane", and its actually a nice little road with trees along it and places on the side to park and even some views of the valley. I've been there.
    I dont know if I can tell this or not. But I'll type it out and see if I click on publish. This is another story about why some other people are mad at me. Real mad.
    It was spring time now and close to graduation and things were sort of normal at home, except my mom was traveling a lot to see doctors and get treatment. Dad and Mom would drive down to Stanford, the hospital and she would see her doctors and then they would have lunch or dinner in the city before coming home. It was like they had been out on a date when they did this, they would come home and be holding hands or being especially nice to each other. But mom was away alot, I think she was sort of shutting down her business too and seeing her clients, so I had time to myself after school. Sometimes she would be gone overnight and if dad was working in the field, I was free to do what ever.
   Hard, hard hard. How can I say this and not sound so incredibly stupid. I'm still a virgin, but I will do stuff. If I like a guy and I trust him and stuff,  I wont "make him suffer". I know how guys work, and I know how to help them be happy and relax. I'm not frigid, or a prude or think sex is bad. And there are ways to both be happy without screwing. I sometimes do those things. Presidents do them, or at least get them done to them. I like it done to me and I like doing it to guys. Think popsicles and ice cream cones. I'm a cone. My bf and I from last summer did it a lot, make ourselves happy together. A LOT. So I kinda know how pretty well, and I dont feel guilty about that either, cause it was private. And guys really cant think about anything else until they get it, or off! And afterward was the best because we could just talk and relax and it was a nice feeling to be close like that.
    OK. So it was friday afternoon, moms out of town, dads out till late, and I'm hanging around in town with you know who, x, who was going to give me a ride home, when the guys showed up. I think alot of people know who they are, but I'm not so stupid as to even put any names on the internet. "A" who is "x's" bf, (Well WAS), "B" who is my ex bf, and "C" their usual third in the crew. So we are standing around and talking and joking and its like real casual because they all have gf's and arent trying to get anywhere with me, just talking, but x needs to go home and I want to hang out somemore, so the guys say they will drive me home, so she leaves. And its still cool because we are just talking and its not like I am alone with one guy, so the guys cant get in trouble with their gf's, because they were just going to give me a ride and none of them were alone with me. So after a while we get in the car and are starting to drive, and we are talking and joking and stuff, and when we pass the road that turns off into the hills where the lane is, B my ex bf says "I bet you miss going up there" joking of course because we used to and now he has a new gf and I dont have a bf at the moment. So hes just teasing me about that, which is cool.
     And really it is because we still like each other alot and maybe sort of love each other, but love like in bother and sister or friends, and not like we would ever do sexual stuff again. I even hooked him up with his gf now. Sneaky me, after we broke up, and it was mutual because we both talked about it and about how we were different and sort of wanted different things. He was the kind of guy who hung with a crowd, but wasnt the leader type, and would probably get a good job right out of college and never have any adventures. He was a real nice guy and smart, but I knew I would be bored with him someday, and he knew it too, so we broke up while it was still good, and I told him that I knew this girl who was watching him and liked him. And then I told her that he was sorta into her, not that he really said that, but it made it so that they got interested in each other and I was all like cool with it and supporting him and her and not being wierd about it. So they hooked up and were happy.
   So anyway he is teasing me about the old us, and its like cool and funny and joking, but then A says well maybe I should drive you two up there so you can remember old times, and hes joking too, and C says DO IT Do It! All joking, so A turns around and goes back to the turn off and drives all of us up to "THE LANE" And the guys are laughing and its funny to me to because these guys are like brothers and friends not guys I would ever do anything with and I felt perfectly safe with them. A was X's bf! And B and C had serious gf's.
    So we're sitting there in A's Tahoe, A and B in the front and C and me in the back, and still laughing about how funny it is to be up at the lane like this, and I joke that I know why A drove us up here, its because he wants to do gay making out with B! And I tell C that lets watch the two bro crushs make out.
And they are like all embarrassed at the idea, and even with sitting up front together I think, so B turns around on the front seat on sort of standing on it facing us in back and pulls down his shorts and wiggles himself at us, or really me, saying "No, this is what you really want to see!" And is funny as hell because just like on the nude beach his weenie is teenie, its like it barely sticks outside his hair. (It gets big just fine, but its always small at first). And the other guys are busting up, and so am I, because, dude, no one wants to see that! I mean it was soooo funny him showing it when it was nothing!
     And then C says "no, this is what you want to see, and pulls his shorts down, and hes got like a half boner and hes holding his hand at the base and waving it back and forth like hes got a baseball bat for a dick. And A and C are busting up, because there I am sitting next to a guy with his dick out! Not that I mind at all really because it IS funny!
     You know I am a really sexual girl. Still a virgin, but I think a lot. You'd be amazed at what I think. But really even after the end of this story, I still dont feel like a slut. I've only done sexual things with 5 guys, and never had real sex even. And 3 of the 5 guys are the guys in the car. I played with a guy when I was 12, we both touched each other, and fooled around for like a half hour, I got into a real serious make out with a guy when I was 15 and that was the first time I saw a guy squirt stuff, and the first time a guy got me off. And ALL the stuff me and B did last summer  :)   . Thats it excecpt for what happened at the lane. At least in real life. I did do some stuff on the internet, but that doesnt count the same. And kissing and making out above the belt doesnt count at all. I know some people think boobs are sex, but thats only in the sixth grade!
     So anyway C is waving is half hard weenie all proud and stuff, so I lean over and open my mouth and bare my teeth and make like I'm going to bite it off! And go Chomp Chomp with my teeth! and I thought the guys up front were going to pee their pants like little girls, they were laughing so hard! They said youd better put that away while you have the chance! And C is starting to pull up his shorts, but I say No wait, and I leaned over and kissed the head, and say there I wanted to apologize for scaring the little man.
   I dont know why I did it. I just did it. I was just playing around, joking with my friends, I didnt even really mean it to be sexual, but suddenly is was so quite. A and B were just staring and looking amazed like they had seen something they never expected to see in their whole lives. You know when people say that its like there is electricity in the air? Well this was like that, it was like the whole atmosphere in the car was super tight and ready to burst, and tingling. And the way the guys were, so quite and so intense, I suddenly knew that I had some like magic power over them. It was like I knew I could control them or make them do anything I wanted, kinda like they were now hypnotized or under a spell.
   C is not a guy I would normally hook up with. He and his gf were like super serious and everyone expected them to get married, and both their families were convervative and old countryish. But he had stopped pulling up his pants and he was suddenly a lot harder. A and C are just staring at his thing and at me next to it, and seeing them like that made me want to keep them in the spell, so I real slowly leaned back over to C and held him by the base with my hand and lowered my mouth all the way that I could, and went up and down a couple times real real slow. As was like "fuck", and B said "shit, dude, oh man" Just a minute before we had be laughing so hard and it was all light, but now it was like we were all 4 in some little bubble where the only thing that existed where these intense feelings. I could tell that C would lose control real fast, he was tightening up his whole body. I felt soooo powerful for making him like that and for having the other guys so intense, and I was getting this rush of sexual feeling, like I really needed someone to do something to me too. And it was like it was safe too in this little bubble of time. I said just to anyone " I want someone to do this to me", meaning the girl version of what I was doing to C. A said to B "you do it dude, you know your way around on her", and he get out of the front and comes back and opens the door on my side and then hes sliding my shorts and panties off, and I think he can smell me, and remembers it, and just goes for it on me, just right down in and his tounge is all over, and I'm like loosing control. I look up at A and say, I havent seen yours yet, so he gets out and comes over to the side C is on, and drops his shorts and is already half hard and rubbing it up and down, and I look up at him and tell him to come closer, and I put him in my mouth for a bit, and he is using his hand still too, when I feel C start to tense, and as I back up from A, C creams my hair and cheek and his shirt and maybe even the ceiling of A's car! And A sees C squirting and starts to squirt too onto the ground and on the seat next to C and a little on C's leg! And almost on my face!
   Then suddenly like almost while they are still squirting we hear a car coming, and everyone scrambles to get back in their pants and in the car, and A is starting the car, and we're driving off. But its only some farmworkers in a pickup.
     It was a super quiet ride, no one said one word literally, until they said goodbye when they dropped me off.
    So.     THAT WAS LESS THAN TEN MINUTES OF MY 17 PLUS YEARS OF LIFE. Maybe even 5 or 7 minutes, and nobody got killed, no family fortunes got gambled away, or spent on drugs. No one got arrested or sick or hurt in anyway, in that little tiny few minutes. Two boys had an ejaculation, and I wasnt even really touching them when it happend, although I caused them. I didnt get anything but messy wet. And I dont know if B even had a chance to get hard. Ten little minutes. How can I be the super slut I am now famous for all over the Napa valley? And all these familys and people so mad at me and each other too.
    People found out. Shit hit the blades big time. I'm not really sure how anyone found out, but I suspect that C who is catholic and so is his family and his gf, maybe told his gf, who told her mom and sisters, who told her dad, who went charging over to C's house to kill his dad and him for cheating on his daughter. And then it seemed like everyone knew. My mom found out because one of her clients is in town and told her that she was hearing bad rumours about me and maybe she should talk to me, and told her the rumours, which were now about some gangbang and a "bunch of guys" and some of them getting an infection! And no, you can not go and say no thats not what really happend because then you would have to admit to things that people still would not understand like they really were. It was ten fucking minutes of teenagers being a little sexual among friends. But in peoples minds it was something else I cant even believe people think like. But yes the "repercussions" were really bad.
   A and his gf broke up, and that was x, who was like my best friend, and her parents are real christian and think I am the devil now, I cant even text her cause they blocked my number! and she hates me anyway now.  C and his gf are still broke up, of course,  but B and his gf are still together. Weird. Whole families of people now hate each other and really no one in the families did anything. And my parents are not as welcome with some people, and I am like a non person. People "dont see me" the rare times I "appear in public".
   But its after this that I sort of lost control of how I was acting at home and started to be a real problem to my mom and dad. My mom and I got into a real screaming fight that lasted for hours, really all day, till we were both crying and screaming and then just so tired that we locked ourselves in our rooms. I think I cried all night and didnt sleep.
   So, I've already started writing my next post, and its going to be called "I don't want to be your mom anymore".  But please know that I am writing about things in the past, so, well, worse shit happens but its sort of getting over now.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

things I DON'T want to talk about

     There are some things I don't want to talk about. I've been writing on this blog like I'm someone who has had bad stuff happen and you would want to be sorry for, but dont feel too sorry before you know the whole story about me and my mom and what kind of person I am. I need people to read what I say and feel sorry for me a little bit and understand me, or really just for me to understand me really. The people who I have hurt probably don't need to understand me any better than they already do. And my mom would have forgave me anything automatically. Even after I went all psychobitch on her at just the wrong time in her life. Thats what makes it so hard, and why I dont want to talk about it.
     Greta says its fine to have subjects that we dont talk about. All I have to do is tell her I dont want to talk about something and she writes it down on a list of things we wont talk about. But I know what she is doing really, collecting the juicy stuff that has the start of all my stuff. So she writes down the thing I dont want to talk about when I mention it and then reads me the list of things she has so far, like she's just checking to see if she got everything, and usually what happens it then I start talking about one of the things on the list and using up the whole session on it. Its supposed to be one hour, but we always go at least one and a half or two.
     So here goes, stuff I dont want to believe I did. What I am thinking about is around the time we found out my mom might be really sick. She had been going to the doctor more often than normal last year, but then in January, after christmas was over but all of us home for dinner one weekend, mom and dad told us that she had cancer and it wasnt one of the easy ones. So yeah we were all like youll beat it mom, will all support you and find you the best doctors and it will all be fine. We didnt even think she would die, we thought it would be real bad and she would lose her hair and be all sick but eventually she would get better and we could all be proud of ourselfs and her. Didnt work that way though, even with what we did, but that was what we thought, it would be real hard on mom, and we would step up and do our best.
     It was a month or so later that the college admission letters or rejection letters came out. Mom was still just fine, no sign of her really being sick and it seemed like things were back to normal for all of us. I'm a smart kid, always had an easy time in school, teachers thought I was smart, although I didnt really get the grades I could have. I graduated with a 3.89 gpa, not bad, would have been a dream grade for some kids, but not the grades Reed, and Stanford wanted to see. I got rejected from Reed, the school I had these dreams about. You read the Odyssey as a group of the whole freshman class for the first half of the year and all the classes relate to what you read in it. A lot of interesting and very smart people went there and I dreamed about going there and getting the kind of education that would make me a great writer or something, and maybe meeting some special super intelligent and good looking guy to make a life with and have this perfect little life. Its the kind of place that celebrates creative and a little different people. They didnt want me.
   Mom and Dad dreamed about me going to stanford. My brother and sister both didnt. I was the last chance for one of their kids to go to the school they wanted most for their kids. And really if I would have disiplined myself in highschool and got 4.0 or above (most kids there were ABOVE 4.0) I could have had a better chance. I felt a little like I had let them down, and a lot like my dream life wouldnt happen. Of course I did get into several UC campus's, which is not bad really, a lot of kids dont even get that and have to go to state colleges or JC. But I felt like I had screwed up.
   The real screw ups came a bit later, I really did screw up, making not getting into my first colleges look like nothing at all.
   Mom had been fine for a while, it was like she wasnt sick at all, but one week she  was feeling tired and cranky, and I was stressed trying to make sure I got through with high school, and I didnt think too much about asking if I could go to a party with some people I knew.  Mom and dad always let me do stuff if they knew the people and I said I would be good. They trusted me. And I was the good girl. I was the girl that all the other kids thought was the goody goody who wouldnt do ANYTHING. I was still a virgin, I wouldnt try pot, I didnt get drunk or dis my parents. I was happy innocent little Chole. Not really, but thats what people thought. And really I didnt do bad stuff, just tried new things sometimes.
     So I went to this party with two other girls and 3 guys. It was one of the guys houses, and his parents were away and we were planning on kind of pretending that we were grown up and have a dinner party and some wine too. We were going to cook and sit at the table like we were some big shot friends, like we saw our parents doing. Except some other people heard about it and that his parents were out of town and showed up and asswipe my guy let them in, and it was a different kind of party. I was pissed off because I was looking forward to it and maybe a little minor bit of hook up with my guy. That was kind of the plan. Instead it turned into a drinking party with a bunch of teenagers. Not the sophisticated evening I fantasized.
     Living where we do its not too hard to get wine. We all know what wine our parents think is shit and wont notice a few bottles missing. and a lot of people have cases of wine pushed into a corner in the garage or something, that we could borrow from. I had a bottle to myself, and some vodka too, and maybe more wine. My guy wasnt really paying me much attention and I was getting sort of sick to my stomach, so I said I was going to pee. After I peed I just walked out the back door so no one would see and decided I would walk home. I was thinking fuck him, asshole, fuck them all. Yeah right well I did sort of. They lived pretty close to 29 so I walked over to it and started along it towards home. (which was maybe 4 or 5 miles). And I was doing real good, every time I stumbled or started to walk into the highway I would just say whoopsy and change direction. I was real proud of myself, that I would walk so drunk and still keep going. I did fall down a couple of times, and wander a bit too close to traffic, but so far so good. Until the car with the pretty lights on top stopped in front of me.
     They looked so pretty, red and blue and flashing. And I wasnt driving so I thought I would just tell him that I wasnt driving and he would say oh ok and I would keep on walking. But when he walked up to me and I started to talk, I got this funny rushing feeling and instead of my words coming out, puke shot out all over. I remember thinking that is not what I wanted to say, and seeing bits of food on his shiny cop shoes. And I tried to talk again and puked more. Then I started to cry. And puke. And then I was on my knees puking in the dirt and thinking he would help me and maybe wipe my mouth, but he was using the radio to call for back up, and I know what that means! He was going to get some more cops and they would tazer me and maybe touch me, and take me to jail. So I curled up in a ball on the ground, in my puke crying and saying NO, NO and crying.
     Really all he was doing was calling for a woman so there wouldnt be any question about his handling of me. And while he waited he knelt next to me and told me it would be ok, but I didnt believe him. I should have, because later I found out he was a good guy with kids like me and had seen too many kids killed in drunk driving. The woman cop though was PISSED off at me like you wouldnt believe. She called me a stupid spoiled little rich brat, and said I was going to jail and then she would find who gave me the alcohol and send them to prison. She put me in her car pretty rough and told me if I puked that would be it. I did puke once more, but I did it down the inside of my shirt so it didnt really get on her car.
     They took me back to the police station and called my parents and wrote up reports and stuff, and asked me where I got the alcohol. And here is why a WHOLE LOT of people dont like me anymore. I told them. Its not like anyone got arrested either, it was in a private home and the kids were underage, but the cops didnt think it would go anywhere to arrest them. But they did tell the parents when they came home, and call all the other parents they could, and word got around town and the parents were embarrased in front of the people they knew. Now you know why alot of people didnt get to go on senior trip.       Me.        Stupid slut snitch. (really said)
     Some of the guys had worked to pay for it themselves, and a whole lot of people were looking forward to it. The people that did go hate me because the people that didnt go would have made it fun, but weren't there, and the ones that stayed home hate me because they missed one of the big things for graduation. My nick name is now chloeshit, among certain people, a play on my name that I will prob never loose.
    Anyway my mom and dad showed up at the police station and I was starting to be less drunk, and my mom, she runs up to me and hugs me and holds my head on her shoulder and is trying to sooth me! And I'm covered in puke and road dirt and snot and tears and its getting all over her and she isnt noticing at all. And I'm crying again, because I feel so stupid and embarassed and worthless and drunk and and and and.
     They took me home. The guy cop was real nice and gave my dad a garbage bag so my puke wouldnt get on his leather seats. I remember the woman cop snearing and saying bitchy things under her breath, but so I could hear.
    My mom and dad got me home and showered and into bed and all. And later I got a talking too, not like normal when they would ask me about things and discuss what I had done wrong, but more like lecture. I think they were really disappointed in me. And worried too. I was dissappointed in myself too, but also kind of proud of myself for having the experience and the story to tell that would maybe make me seem a little cooler or something. Turns out its not cool to puke on people, snitch on people, or drink too much. I had my car taken away, was grounded, and told that I owed chores until they were felt that I had made it up to them.
     Thats kinda one thing I dont even like to remember, my drunken stupidity, much less talk about. The only people who think its cool are losers.  But really I do want to talk about it. Some kids dads would have beat them for what I did, and the mom treat them like dirt from then on, but I didnt really learn my lesson right away.
     I was going to talk about some other things that I dont want to talk about, and that bother me, but I changed my mind for now. But I didn't turn all good after this, I turned worse, and treated my mom real shitty, and I CAN'T talk about that right now. But you get the idea, my moms sick with cancer and I am treating her like shit, when I was going to be all helping and caring. Now you know why I'm in therapy.

Sunday, October 24, 2010


     I posted on facebook about how its raining and I should go read a book or do homework or meditate rather than surfing for clothes and amusing stuff. My dad meditates. He has this spot in the yard thats kinda off in a corner where he sits if the weather is nice and "does his hour". Hes meditated as long as I can remember. When I was little I remember him sitting in his office at home, on the floor with his legs crossed just looking at his desk. I thought it was funny that he would look at his desk for so long, my mom would tell me not to bother him, but he said I was welcome to come in the room and stuff when he was meditating as long as I wasnt too noisy. He said that he could hear everything anyway and it wasnt like he was asleep and would get woken up, it was just he was trying to be real quiet inside. And the stuff I would do or the noises I made were good practice for him to be quiet with. When I got older I understood and meditate sometimes my self. He told me its really simple, you just sit and be there quietly and let your thoughts happen but practice not adding to them or getting into them, but just sort of watch them happen and let go of them until they stop and everything is quiet inside. He said that sometimes you get to a state where you are super aware of everything and feel real happy but also so still inside, and its good to be that way sometimes. Not all the time, but then later when you are all worked up and stressed you can remember it and use it as a reference and get control of yourself.
     When I was like 3 or 4 I would go in with him being real good and quiet and sit next to him, but I didnt have more than 30 seconds of patience! But sometimes I would climb on his lap and lie across his legs or curl up and day dream about stuff. I used to think maybe I could sit on my dads lap when he was meditating and we would fly off to a different world where the animals could all talk, and people could fly in the air and things were real nice all the time. Sometimes I would fall asleep and dream and then wake up later in my bed.
    My dad is a real quiet person, but not like he is withdrawn, but like he is in a quiet space looking out at things. He is really observant about things that go on around him, hes like always got this little bit of a smile, like he is amused at all the activity around him, but happy in his quiet place watching. I think he could smirk at a nuclear explosion.
    My mom had this too, her own safe space she worked out of. Its like both of them had this way of making things around them go right and be happy and calm. Now that shes gone the world seems more hectic and unstable. I guess I need to learn some things.
    Sometimes my mom and dad would meditate together, sitting facing each other with their eyes closed. They would stay that way for their hour and afterwards you could almost feel them glowing from how calm they were.
     Its like the stuff my grandma taught us kids when we were little and stayed with her for the summer. She would have us sit in chairs across from each other and the game was to be perfectly happy just to sit there and not figgit. First with our eyes closed, and then looking at the other person. And then later she taught us how to practice talking without getting distracted by things people would say, or how to be in charge of the conversation by saying ok or whatever when the other person was done and then going on with our part. She called it trs for "training routines". and if we interupted people or didnt listen to them or let other people be rude to us, she would remind us to keep our trs in. My grandma is cool like my mom. You can say anything to her, like oh grandma a boy touched my boobs at the dance, and she wouldnt freak, shes just say yeah, tell me about that. She didnt make you feel bad or stupid about stuff. Shes getting old now, and grandpa too, and I was all worried about them dieing and what I would do if they did, but they are still alive. It was someone else I should have worried about.
     My mom said she started meditating when she was 15, and read all about zen and stuff, and even left her body one time. That sounds like dieing to me, but it would be cool if you could do that and come back. Some people say that when people die, they often come back in spirit form and talk to the people they loved and let them know they are ok. I wish my mom would do that. I'm crying right now thinking about that. But maybe she has and I was just so not quiet inside that I couldnt hear her, and thats one of the reasons I am thinking about meditating. I didnt say enough goodbyes or stuff when I knew she was dieing but still alive. I think I didnt want to believe it. And now its too late. But we talked about how she was really going to die and how she said it was ok to be real sad for a while but that I would be ok after a while. She said love doesnt die. Just bodies.
     Funny, rain falling outside, rain falling from my eyes.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

So seriously

    I noticed that the most important things about me are at the bottom of the blog, its like the first post should be a sticky because its why I am doing this, so read my first post first and then up in sequence or stuff I say will not make sense! Not that anyone is reading this. I hope not yet cause I'm still figuring things out. Its like its been a month now since my mom died and the shock has worn off and I am waking up. I seem to have a lot to say today, and thats probably good. Greta my therapist has been working with me to open stuff up so I can deal with it, and well now I'm open.
   My dad told me once about the way therapy works and about transference and how talking about things brings them into the present and how we then assign the responsibilty for some things to others, and how therapists become the target. And the good ones use this to get you to see yourself in the interaction of it. I like Greta and I think she is doing good so far, we havent solved anything, but I feel like I am moving again and will understand why I feel the way I do. Its not like I went crazy, or really felt like I needed help or anything, but my dad probably feels that his own grief would get in the way of supporting me as much as he thinks I need. He has known Greta for years and I think he goes to her for regular sessions. She says she knows my mom, although I dont think they were friends, but I bet my dad talked about her to her alot. It helps to have someone who is outside your life a bit and can observe and listen and then give gentle feedback or suggestions. Greta is good like that, she listens and doesnt judge, and gives me little tasks to do, like last time she asked me to find a person who was a bit down and find out why, and see what happened, and I tried it on a girl at school, and she started telling me all this stuff about her and her bf and how he was being a jerk and not paying attention to her but wanting her to pay attention to him. She talked for about 5 minutes and then sort of realized that she had been going on. I just smiled, cause I knew what greta was trying to show me. The girl was smiling and thanked me for listening to her, and seemed happy. She said she was going to tell her bf to pay more attention to her, or else. Meaning probably no sex.
   My mom was real good at this kind of thing, my dad said she could do magic. Ever since I was little, she could tell right away if anything was bugging me, and she would find somewhere to sit and get me talking, not about whatever it was, just talking, but pretty soon I'd be talking about whatever it was, even if I didnt know myself what was bugging me. And that would lead to talking about stuff when I was younger or stuff that happened before that, and after a while I would see how it all worked together to make things the way they were. I would see how I did something to make the current situation, and how I could change my mind about it, and it would disappear as an issue. She always fixed me like that, and then she would hug me and kiss me and usually give me a treat, like a popsicle or cookie when I was little, or later sometimes she would treat us to lunch somewhere or go shopping. It was magic, it was like she knew exactly how to get to the thing I wasnt seeing, and she did it so smooth and gentle and without ever judging me or making me feel stupid.
   Dad doesnt have the gift of healing peoples spirit or mind like that, and he knows it. Its not that he doesnt listen or help, but he is too analytical, he sees the steps of the problem, but not the soul of the person as much. Funny that he is like he is and works in mental health, but his job is more research. He says he helps people because he finds basic information about how minds work, and he does spend a lot of time listening to people and analysing it and he says it helps people just to have someone listen. He works with people who have had trauma in the military or wars. He is fascinated by how just a few seconds of someones life can change the way their mind works for the rest of their life even though they may not have any physical injuries.
   Mom knew most of my secrets. She didnt mind that I did things, she would just do her thing and I would always see how silly I had been or whatever, but it was like she enjoyed my experiences like they were a really good story, and fun and exciting and not bad even when they were. And now when I kind of feel broken she is not here. Guess its time for me to grow up.
  Wow I wrote alot today. I feel like maybe I will be happy again and have a future. I know that is what mom would want.

Gingerbread house

  Greta my therapist says it is good to talk and get stuff out, like I am doing here. She says we are all bipolar, sometimes we are all excited and gushing and sometimes quite and withdrawn and its just a balancing act we do to make life more exciting or work out problems. She says the label bipolar is more harmful than the disease! But the trick is to find the balance, and sometimes we need help. I asked her if she needs help, and she said shes good at balancing now, but thats because she is so old that she doent go to far one way or the other! Shes like in her 70's, and its amazing that we can even talk to each other like we do. I called this post gingerbread house because I think of Hansel and Gretal because of her name, Greta. And her office is in this old house in Napa that looks kind of gingerbready.
   Waffles were good. I had strawberry jam on mine, dad had syrup. My butt feels like its 2 inches bigger now and its still misty outside so no bike ride and I dont run. I was thinking of going shopping and taking dad with me, but I cant think of anything we need. Maybe I will say we need to go to costco and get toilet paper and supplies, thats like 25 miles each way and would kill the day and maybe dad would buy me lunch somewhere and it would be good. But I feel lazy and cozy too and so we'll see. He usually ends up buying something we dont need when we go there and shopping is therapy. Just having your mind off things is therapy.
  If I was feeling my old self I would try to get him to take me to the westfield on market street and make him buy me stuff at juicy of something, and then lunch somewhere cool and expensive. But I'm not ready for the stuff I used to want to do. Its like it would be disrespectful to mom to do some special treat thing. And I dont need and slutty clothes anyway. I think I'm wearing jeans and simple stuff for the rest of the year.


this would be fun, if I were just a bit thinner. I would rock this if you liked big butts and thighs.

    I dont know what it would be like to make my dad help me clothes shop. We would go into the city sometimes and shop, mom worked in the city a lot and knew it pretty good, but dad would to off and do his thing, maybe galleries or MOMA or something and even mom would get bored with clothes shopping. And we would meet for late lunch or maybe dinner and go home. I like the energy in the city, but I can see how it would get old real fast smelling the pee on the sidewalks and seeing the bums, and the noise, and traffic. Its a nice place to visit.
   Really its the people that make the city so interesting, SF has soooo many strange and wonderful humans. I like how the gay people make the atmosphere more open and stuff. Even the people who are not gay can be who they want and not be freaks. One time we went to the city and it was the love parade, and girls were in the parade and walking on the sidewalk topless. Derick was having trouble not staring and he was even sneaking pictures with his digital camera of girls. I didnt have the heart to tell him that they were probably lesbians and would bust his balls if he tried to even talk to them, or maybe beat him up if they didnt like having photos taken. Dad was pretending to not notice that he was so facinated with boobies, and mom was saying "oh look at that, shes topless". He has a girlfriend he is living with now so I hope he gets to see some close up enough that he wont have to stare now.
   Speaking of staring reminds me of another trip to the city the summer between junior and senior year, summer before this one, when me my then BOYfriend (as in little boy who wanted my BUTT but couldnt have it because he was too immature) and my friend and her boyfriend, (no names cause we all kinda kept it secret). I always wanted to go to burning man but mom said I was too young at 16 because of the drugs and sex there, but she let me drive into the city this time after I got my car and license, because she thought it would be good for me to learn to do stuff on my own. Of course I had to go with other people so I would be safe. What she didnt know was that I had planned this trip so that we could go to the beach, but not just any beach, but Baker beach, the place where burning man started! And where there is a nude beach too. Mom has always been cool with nudity, not that we did it at home, but sometimes I could tell that she had been skinny dipping in the pool when no one was home, because she didnt have a swim suit hung up to dry, but was just finished swimming.
   Anyway we drove to the city and if you know San Francisco, just after you cross the golden gate bridge, you can turn off into this old army fort, its all governent land with gun bunkers and stuff. and below the cliffs is a beach that faces out into the passage that goes through the golden gate, and one end of it is nude. We all agreed before hand to go there and try being nude. It was my idea and the guys seemed to like it and xxxx my friend, whos mother is big time into jesus would die if she found out, said she would do it if I would. I think she wanted to do it for her bf and to see him any my bf too.
   So we get there and walk way down the beach from the parking lot, past the normal beach to the nude area, and its cool because there are other women there nude! YaY!  And we find a spot neat some women and not too close to the main crowd, and lay out our towels and so I strip off real fast just to get it over with, and xxxx is slowly taking off one thing at a time and folding it and finally gets down to panties and bra and the guys are not doing anything! Just standing around and not even looking at us, or if they do being careful not to look down! Its too funny! I said come on boys get naked, but they say they want to make sure its safe and go check down the beach and ask some other guys and stuff, and they walk off leaving me naked and xxxx in underware, (which is move modest than her bikini would be!!!) Boys, little boys, afraid someone will see their weeny.
   So xxxx strips off too and we lay down on our fronts and kinda watch around and talk and stuff for a while till we notice that a few creepy old guys have just happened to wander near us and are taking looks and acting like they are all casual and stuff. Its like when you drop some food on the ground and the birds start to move near you hoping to get a treat! And a couple of these old guys are so tan that they must live naked, and one had a big ring around his stuff to make it stand up!  xxxx was starting to get a bit creeped and so was I because I think some of the guys were going to masturbate or something, but them the women near us got up and called out to a couple of the guys by name and told them to fuck off old pervs, and this seemed to wake them up and scare them!
   And then she gets up and comes over to us and introduces herself and her partner to us and starts a conversation. So you have to imagine her, shes a bit stocky, not chubby but more guy like with almost muscles, and shes all tatted up like a wall of grafitti and pierced too!  xxxx is just staring and cant talk because this woman has both nipples piecred and her labia and clit too!  She had 4 rings in a row on her labia and one bigger one going across her hood sideways. She saw xxxx staring and asked if she like the piecrings and I asked if it hurt. She said it did just for a few minutes when you get them, and then she spreads her labia open and taps the ring on her clit and says "but it feels so good later". Oh My God, a lesbian just showed me her clitoris and I'm laying naked in front of her and I think she is hitting on me, because she is acting like guys do when they want something, all nice and interested and polite. But I think her partner was getting jeleous and then the guys came back, so she went back to her towel.
   The guys said they didnt think it was a good idea for them to get naked because there were a lot of gay guys there and they didnt want gay guys to see them. ?????? WTF?? But I said we had a deal, either you get naked or we will say you were chicken. So they both dropped their shorts and took of their shirts and underware and were naked. I think they were embarassed too because it was kinda cool being at the ocean and their peniss were all shrunken up. They only stayed naked for a few minutes and then we all decided to move over to the normal beach because none of us were like having as much fun with being naked as we thought it would be. Maybe we though it would be like when we were little kids and ran around in the house after a bath or something. But we saw them and they saw us and we all agreed that we would never tell anyone about it. But I'm not using names here.
   We spent a few more hours on the normal beach and really had fun, and the guys were constantly checking us out now that we had our bikinis on. And a couple of times you could tell they got boners in their shorts too. Funny. Later we went and had an early dinner and got home before dark and xxxx's mom didnt have to die because her daugher was naked or anything. Me an my bf broke up later that year, but it was ok and we still like each other, it was just not the time in each others life for whatever. Hes still a bit of a little boy, going to school at UC Irvine, the OC and all and I am sure he is having fun there.

OK Gretta, are you proud of me. Big secrets revealed. I opened up and stuff. Mom are your reading this in heaven? Not that I believe in heaven! I am like my mom, having adventures. How will I raise my daughters? Sons? How will I do it with out you.

DAD lets get out of the house and do something.

Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber was in Sacramento last night. No I didnt go see him! I go home on weekends, but people say I look like him! At least he is cute, so I must be cute, but he is going to grow hair on his face someday and I hope I dont!

And no! I am not lesbian! But I am not so girly either. Sometimes I just dont want to play the game, hair makeup cute clothes. I dont care that much what you think, if you want to judge me by my looks, I'm probably not interested in you anyway! Dad says this is a sign of a healthy self image, but I dont know really. Its like what is my self image? I dont know who I am really. Sometimes I think I'm a littel clone of my mom, but no way do I have her confidence, and no way am I as brave about doing stuff as she was. I think I'm a good girl, too worried about what mommy and daddy will think if I do the stuff thats really in my heart and in my head.
   Mom and dad were sort of hippies when they were my age. Mom hitchhiked by herself when she was 15! Now days its sort of automatic that they find pieces of your body cut up in plastic bags if you are a girl and hitchhike, after of course you were raped. Mom went to europe by herself when she was 19. She said she slept in parks sometimes, and went to bars. Of course she came back and went to college and worked and wasnt doing drugs after that, but she did join a cult for a while.
   Dad was in the military before college, but he didnt go to vietnam. He said he was lucky. He did do drugs though, he said that he used LSD, and smoked weed. Way to 420 dad. He says it wasnt the best thing to do because it made life harder to be stoned. And he said LSD had permanent effects on his thinking. Both of them never said they would punish me if I tried drugs, but I could tell that they would be disappointed if I did. Dad deals with people who have problems with drugs sometimes and he says it is a dangerous way to deal with life. But he is in favor of making all drugs legal, even heroin and stuff. But just legal and not condoned. I dont understand how that would work. You need a prescription for antibiotics, but not for heroin?
   The stoners I know are plenty good reason not to go 420 anyway. I would get so fat eating the junk food they consume when they are high! I would wiegh 300 pounds! I'm chubby enough as it is, and I'm gaining right now too.  :(  I know why, and I need to ride my bike more, but I close to everything on campus, and drive home on weekends. I need to get my bike out on the road at home and ride really hard so that I am so tired that I sleep all night. But the rains have come to nor cal, its raining right now, and we have the fireplace going, and maybe I will make waffles. Maybe I will be 300 lbs anyway!
   Doesnt matter now anyway, I'm not in the mood for a relationship or even a hookup really. Can you imagine it? All I would do is talk about my mom and me and the poor guy would say whatever, and get up and leave. Its kinda a good think that I dont have a relationship right now, because I dont have the energy to give. And I'm kinda changing too from girl to woman, I feel like I have real problems now not kid problems, and guys dont want ANY problems! I think they want their mommys, but younger and with sex. I'm ok with the sex, but not the MOMMY. I need a man, when I am ready. Not now though.
   Officially I am a virgin. But its an "any thing but IT" virgin. (sorry daddy, truth is hard like yousay!) Ive pretty much done a lot, just not it. Well anal either!!! ewwwwwyuckewww. But I was asked! "please!? I will be so gentle, and you cant get pregnant". Yeah. Right. Like that makes me want to do THAT! Its not that I dont have a bit of freak in me, but youd really need to sweet talk me to get that! If you are reading this, we were just too young for anything. I want someone who I can be intimate with, share stuff that you wouldnt tell anyone else and have little secret looks with each other and trust completely and it just doesnt seem to happen when you are 16.
   Mom and dad used to have parties and dads friends were all like doctors and researchers and science people, and moms friends were artists and business owners and real casual people. She said it made the party dynamic to have different people. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it failed massivley. But I was thinking about intimacy and it reminded me of something that happend to me at this party they had. Dad and his friends were hanging in a bunch talking work things and not too many of moms friends were there yet, and I was playing moms little helper, being a hostess like person, and I was talking to one of moms friends who was a photographer in San Francisco, because no one else was. We were talking a lot, and it was like we had a lot in common and stuff, and he was acting like I was interesting, and he was interesting and we were laughing and stuff, and then a moment came when we both ran out of things to say for just a second and he sat there looking into my eyes and I was looking into his eyes, and we stayed like that for way longer than normal, and my heart started to beat real hard! It was like I saw his soul or something and he could see me. It was like I was naked in front of him and he could see the real me and me him. It was one of the most intense things I have EVER felt. And then my mom laughed across the room and the spell was broken  :(  and he looked away and said he had to circulate. My mom wasnt laughing at him, but I think it reminded him of who I was and who he was and where he was. Because he was 40 and I was 15, and he had 2 kids and an ex wife, and I was an underage kid of someone who he did work for. FUCK. I probably would have! That would be a mess! I think mom saw and knew too, she said later that I scared the pee out of him. And she never invited him to parties again. Although she was totally cool with me having that experience, and the crush that lasted for a while after! She understood that and honored it. She was so cool about honoring peoples feelings, it was like she would never make fun of stuff that was important to you even if it was stupid.
   God damn it I miss her. OK. Waffles.

:(   :)   (bipolar!)

Friday, October 22, 2010

far edge of seventeen

   I'll turn 18 in december and my mom died in september. My life has a big hole in it that growing older will not fill. Life goes on, I go to school, my dad works my brother and sister act like life is the same, but its not for me. When I get married and have babies my mom won't be there for me. When I have a bad week at school or a bad day or a bad class, I can't call her and cry. its not the same calling dad, he will try to give me advice and make it better, but thats not the same. Who can hug me the same and just shut up and listen, or just shut up and sit there with me like my mom.
   She had cancer and it happened so fast. We watched her die, in the room with her. Derick had to leave the room but shelly and dad and I sat with her and she sort of went to sleep, but we all knew she was gone. Shelly sobbed and dad was crying tears, and so did I, but I think I didnt cry enough and it will be with me for ever, needing to get something out.
  If you read this dont worry about me, I'm ok and all, its just I need to get stuff out. Dad is a rock, and I've got a therapist he knows whos real good. Shes like this crazy old lady, but she listens well and never tells me what to feel. Mom would have approved, even though mom had different ideas about mental health, than dad. Dad is a psychiatrist, and mom was a scientologist, and those two groups hate each other!
   But god did mom and dad love each other. Both of them treated the other like they were the best most important person in the world, they both thought the other was better than them in some way. I hope I get love like that in my life someday.
   My mom had sort of secrets, maybe not from my dad, but from everyone else. She talked about stuff on the internet with a fake name, she traveled for her work and didnt really talk about what she did, and had friends online that she talked about wierd shit with. I snooped. I think dad knew about it, but it seemed wrong to me. Its wierd seeing some secret side to your mom, sex feelings, outthere ideas about life, things I dont really understand. I mean living befroe and planning things for the next body you are going to live in? I mean I understand, but not really you know?
  I see a lot of me in my mom, its like she was still doing things that came from when she was younger, she wrote poetry that had sexual themes, she talked about stuff that was sort of basic girl stuff, stuff you'd think a woman of 50 would be so over. She said she was lonely, but how could she be lonely with us kids and dad and her business and all?
   Ok, I feel better tonight. Lindsy lohan on the edge of seventeen, because she sounds more desperate than the old version, kinda like me, and whos gona love you? because I need it.