Sunday, September 18, 2011
Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my mothers death. Sept. 17th, 2010.
This song has so many lines that mean things to me, clouds hanging over me, places to hide away..
I still remember mom like I saw her yesterday, like she will drive up and park in the garage and come in the door of the kitchen with a big smile and hug me, like she did when she came back from an out of town trip. And all would be right with my world.
Even though all was not really all right with my world then, I was confused and angry and still don't even fully know why. But she was there and I always had that if I ever wanted to submit to her love and not be a little psycho bitch rebelious child.
In the end I did submit to her love, but that was at the end of her life. How could I not? My stubborn drama wasn't saving her life, but probably helping end it.
The last month and a half of her life, we were as close as mother and daughter can be, and even closer, as close as two people can be. She told me all her secrets, all her hopes and her disappointments. She said I was not one of them. Even though I tried to be.
I think she knew what I was going through because she did too when she was my age. My recent trip was an attempt to sort of live part of my life like she had, but really it wasn't. She did it for real, I still live protected from anything getting too real, except for my thoughts and feelings. But I'm learning, at least by seeing the difference.
Mom was adventurous, hella passionate, moody, exhilarated, and grounded in her family and her love. She didn't show her love by acting all sweet, but by being tough when she needed, there when I needed, even when she was dying, and true to herself and to us. She gave us her.
I miss her so much. I want to tell her about my life and my adventures. I know she could appreciate them like no one else. She inspires a lot of what I do, my writing, my sexual escapades, my willingness to feel my darker swings and not worry that I will not be happy again.
I am happy mom. Truly. Not for all the great things, but just to be alive and having experiences. That is the most important thing you taught me. Well second most.
The first is love. Just love.