Saturday, December 11, 2010

The edge

   Well today is it, THE far edge of seventeen. My last day as a baby, cause tomorrow I'm officially an adult. I started this blog while listening to Lindsay Lohan singing "Edge of Seventeen"

     The words, Lindsay, the mood, the idea of being on the edge of something, and the age, all seemed to have something to do with me. That is why the blog has the title. Lindsay is a lost girl and I felt like one too. And what I wrote has stuff form just before I was 17 till now, the far edge.
     I wanted to talk about my mom, I wanted to make a tribute to her, but it ended up being me talking about me, and now I think that is really better, because it helped me to see stuff in my life and get it out, and look at it from a little distance. I've changed a lot in just the 2 months I posted here. I was just coming out of the whole shock of losing my mom, and my own feelings of being sort of a burden. But I had lots of help from family and friends (Greta you are truly my friend!) And I am going to be ok.
    My mom was so amazing, but I dont want to talk about that anymore, at least not yet. I said the other day to someone that my mom put a lot of love into me, specially in the last months of her life. We talked so much, it was like she was trying to tell me everything she ever would have said if she had lived to see me grow up, have a career,  get married, have babies. See told me stuff that maybe she wouldnt have shared until I was much more mature or ready for. She was so loving and worried about me, when it was her that needed the attention. But she passed on a lot of her mom/woman/friend wisdom, and it is sitting undigested in my memories until I need it. Mom filled me up with love and wisdom that I will feed off of for the rest of my life. I'm keep realizing just how amazing she was.
    I have found that talking about stuff helps let go of it, and I don't want to let go of anything about my mom. I want to have memories of her and little stuff she said or did, pop up in my life when something happens to remind me. Its like that is what I have left of her and I don't want to let go of it.
    I do want to let go of the crazy stuff I did and the feelings of knowing how I hurt people, my friends, my family, my mom. And I think I am on the edge of that. Its like I have decided. I don't know what I decided, but maybe its just to live my life better and fully. That is what I think my mom would have wanted for me. That will be my tribute to her, being the best me I can, having a life full of love, adventure, and good accomplishments.

   Love you so much Mom, where ever you are.


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