Friday, December 3, 2010

My Secret, how i was raped and still have my virginity

     Catchy title isn't it. I haven't written in a while, for one, things are better for me. I have LOTS of support, and I feel like I am waking up from a bad dream. The stuff is still there and real, but the terror and sadness are not as strong. I am now stronger than them. And I have met someone too. Yes I know it is way to soon to be in a relationship, but we have alot in common. We both have situations we are dealing with and need someone to talk with, and if you talk to someone long enough it just ends up being a relationship. He is SOOOO protective of me, overly so, but it is so cute that he is, and I think its good for him to have someone to care about, like how they say its good for people to have pets. My being in his life, gives him more purpose and focus outside of his issues, and same for me. We walk alot and talk, and hang out and talk. I like to sit on the couch with him, and lay my head on his shoulder and play with his hair, while he talks about stuff. Politics, whats wrong with the world, what he would like to do with his life. He is so passionate about things like that, and it just flows out of him, and I like listening, because it is someone else opening up themselves to me in a way that is trusting. I have been like that so much lately that it is good to be on the other side of it, I have spent so much time being listened to and supported, and maybe I am not so needy as I was. I think guys have a harder time opening up and trusting. It feels good to me to be this way with someone. I don't know where it will go, and really I just don't even want to think that way. I like the way it is now, and he's cute, smart, funny and treats me like a real friend. I think I am going to see if he will go to my house for part of winter break. That may weird him out a bit, having to meet my Dad and all, but I think they could have some good discussions and it would probably be pretty chill.
     Dad is doing ok. Its like I really don't know what to do for him. I feel like I should be helping him like he helps me, but I really don't know how. First I think I need to take good care of myself and not be a worry, and I am doing that. But I am sort of afraid to try to get him to talk to me about how he feels and stuff. I wonder what goes on in his mind. Mom and I talked about what would happen when she died, if she though Dad should remarry, or have girlfriends, or what, and sure he should, but that probably takes longer for older people than for people my age. He's 65, ten years older than Mom was. So maybe he is used to dealing with stuff by himself more. I know I am learning to do that, I think it is part of growing up. He has his work, he likes it and would probably do something similar even if he didnt want to work. He spends a lot of time in the field interviewing old people, and the rest of the time writing about it and stuff. He likes talking to people, getting their stories out of them. Maybe his work gives him the chance to focus outside himself. And we share Greta!
     She let me drive her old bug last week. We made a run to starbucks cause things were going good and we felt like celebrating. I could so be best friends with her if she were my age and not 70 something! She has been so amazing in helping me to see who I am, and find what I want to do about things. And really its not that she tells me anything, or says what is right and wrong, but she just gently gets me to look at it myself. Its like when I go into her office, my life is suspended, like time out, and a different me who is not so involved in it gets to see if from a safe chair a little ways away. I see why she still does what she does after all her years working, it must be so cool to be able to help people like she does. She used to be a college professor somewhere, and I think she wrote some books too. But to meet her she is just a sweet older woman who is interested in EVERYTHING. She even had the barrista at starbucks telling her stuff in the couple of minutes at the counter, he was telling her ways to do stuff to her bug so it wouldnt need tuneups as much, and it sounded like she was a mechanic talking to him! Luckily they didnt go out to the parking lot and start working on it, but I actually though they might. My Dad pays her alot to work with me, but I know that she does the same thing for free for other people, and really its cool that we can pay others can get help too. Besides she says I am the perfect way for her to start sabbath! ( I see her fridays) I am trying to get her to go on facebook. I am going to ask my dad if we can get her a ipad or something for christmas. Ha! Funny! For christmas! Just realized what I said. Shes Jewish! Oh well.
    So I said I had a secret. This is kinda a big deal for me because it is sort of where it started, my horrible year. And what I did is something I feel had a part in my mom being sick. It really was over a year ago now, last fall when I was still 16. I have written about the summer when I was 16 on my other blog, which is only for me, cause I say stuff there nobody needs to hear! Believe it or not I have more explicit, private and revealing things than I post here! And things that are sort of experimenting with what I think. Anyway lets just say the summer I was 16, I had a boyfriend, we were real, real close, mostly physically, but also emotionally, but not at as deep a level as maybe all that. It was my first emotionally intimate relationship with a guy. And we experimented with sex, doing anything but it. And a lot of anything but it, too. All summer. But at the start of school we both knew that we were just going to be friends, not life long lovers, we had stuff in mind that was different for life, we both knew it and talked about it and I could tell he was curious about other girls, and we kinda decided to be friends. No hard feelings, and really I still love him and all but not like I want to spend my life with him, and I know he still has feelings for me, but well we both new how we had been for the summer was great but it was time to see what else was out there in life. I think I wanted someone more nerdy and intellectual, and he wanted someone more social and girly.
    So there I was, a free girl. But also now used to having a guy and to being physical with another person rather than just in my mind or by myself. And I wasn't in a real hurry to be in another relationship. But I had needs and well there is the internet. I've been all over the internet, sorry not into costume play or thinking I am a furry dog or gamer princess, but I did like something called Stickam. It is a place where you have your own channel and you can talk to who ever shows up, and have music and see each other on video, its kinda like having your own TV channel on the web. And you can kick people off your channel if you don't like the way they look, or talk or act, and you can make your channel private and do what ever. I did whatever. And apparently my channel wasn't as private as I thought. There were only 4 people on this one time when I went private, and I could see their  streams and all of us were doing "whatever". Three guys and one girl and me. Watching each other doing whatever. It was hot. We all finished and chatted and eventually closed our streams and went to bed. Wasnt really a big deal to me. Yes I know I am a slut. Deal with it. It wasnt the first time I had done that either. But it was the first time I had been recorded and then later blackmailed and threatened and exposed to my parents and then the police.
   Apparently one of the people recorded me. And I found out later that people go on stickam and instead of having a real stream of them, they just play a video of someone else doing whatever, to get you to think you are safe.
    A week later a guy pm'd me saying he had a recording of me on stickam and that if I didnt do it again for him he was going to post it. I did it again. Yea stupid I know. Now there are at least 2 recordings and in the second one he had me do stuff that is not so nice. Sharpies dont go there. Nuf said.
     So I though it was over but it wasnt, but I wouldn't do it again. My mom got an email. And my Dad. And my brother and sister!!!! Oh fuck, it was so humiliating, I still cry remembering it. I was such a dirty worthless, stupid piece of shit. Videos of me masturbating emailed to everybody I loved. Raped. I know that maybe being physically held down and violated probably sounds worse, but this I couldn't even fight back.
   My dad called the police, that was humiliating too, having to work with them. And they never caught the guy. They even said that I was lucky because since I was underage I could be charged with producing child pornography! Of myself!?!?  But they didnt want to do that. Lucky, oh yea.
     Obviously I am pretty much over it by now, cause here I am talking about it, but why I am talking about it is because I think that it was something that was sort of a downturn for me, where I started to go in the wrong direction in how I was thinking and acting.  I went though a lot with it, I even had "those kind of thoughts". I turned into a psycho bitch/sweet little manipulative girl bipolar baby. I "acted out". I hurt people. I hurt myself. And I think that it was something that maybe added so much stress to my mom's life that her cancer was worse because of it, and thats really my secret, that I did that to my mom. None of the things I did and told about on this blog have been secret to the people around me, family, friends, friends of friends, the people who hang out down town, but that thought has been. That thought will probably be hard to get rid of.
     Like I said at the begining of this post, I have plenty of support, and I am waking up, growing up and I am doing OK. Really. I just had to tell all of my story. This may be my last post on this blog, I don't know yet. Like my dad says though, when you turn off the computer, real life magically appears!
     Thank you for your love and support, I wish I could give it back somehow.