Friday, October 22, 2010

far edge of seventeen

   I'll turn 18 in december and my mom died in september. My life has a big hole in it that growing older will not fill. Life goes on, I go to school, my dad works my brother and sister act like life is the same, but its not for me. When I get married and have babies my mom won't be there for me. When I have a bad week at school or a bad day or a bad class, I can't call her and cry. its not the same calling dad, he will try to give me advice and make it better, but thats not the same. Who can hug me the same and just shut up and listen, or just shut up and sit there with me like my mom.
   She had cancer and it happened so fast. We watched her die, in the room with her. Derick had to leave the room but shelly and dad and I sat with her and she sort of went to sleep, but we all knew she was gone. Shelly sobbed and dad was crying tears, and so did I, but I think I didnt cry enough and it will be with me for ever, needing to get something out.
  If you read this dont worry about me, I'm ok and all, its just I need to get stuff out. Dad is a rock, and I've got a therapist he knows whos real good. Shes like this crazy old lady, but she listens well and never tells me what to feel. Mom would have approved, even though mom had different ideas about mental health, than dad. Dad is a psychiatrist, and mom was a scientologist, and those two groups hate each other!
   But god did mom and dad love each other. Both of them treated the other like they were the best most important person in the world, they both thought the other was better than them in some way. I hope I get love like that in my life someday.
   My mom had sort of secrets, maybe not from my dad, but from everyone else. She talked about stuff on the internet with a fake name, she traveled for her work and didnt really talk about what she did, and had friends online that she talked about wierd shit with. I snooped. I think dad knew about it, but it seemed wrong to me. Its wierd seeing some secret side to your mom, sex feelings, outthere ideas about life, things I dont really understand. I mean living befroe and planning things for the next body you are going to live in? I mean I understand, but not really you know?
  I see a lot of me in my mom, its like she was still doing things that came from when she was younger, she wrote poetry that had sexual themes, she talked about stuff that was sort of basic girl stuff, stuff you'd think a woman of 50 would be so over. She said she was lonely, but how could she be lonely with us kids and dad and her business and all?
   Ok, I feel better tonight. Lindsy lohan on the edge of seventeen, because she sounds more desperate than the old version, kinda like me, and whos gona love you? because I need it.


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