I know it sounds bad. But Its really good, but she really said that! And it was the best thing that ever happened to me in my life.
OK, so in my last two posts I really told about how horrible I was, to her, my dad, my friends and really to myself too. And there is more stuff too from last year even before she got sick that I havent told. But the stuff when she was sick is more what this is all about. I mean screaming at the top of my lungs mean things at my mom, when she was sick, slamming doors and being disgusting around the house, and being such a total total ultimate bitch.
Looking back it is hard to believe I acted like I did. And impossible to understand. Its like I went crazy for a half a year. Well really 3/4. But why. I know my moms illness wasnt as big a thing in my mind as it should have been or is now looking back. Life at home was good too, we had a nice house and a pool and cars for each of us and bought our food at whole foods, not the cheap places. I mean I know kids who have never bought a starbuck, and only had one when one of the richer kids bought it for them, and then you dont want to do that because it makes them feel like they cant afford stuff, which they cant, but they are not bad people because of it!
Anyway spoiled little bitch me, glaring at my parents when they tried to be nice and find out what was going on with me. Closing the door to my room and cutting them off. Staring at them when they would talk and just not answer or say anything, almost daring them to get mad. And the outbursts, yelling at them, getting them to yell back. I think I was trying to be impossible. But I still dont understand it.
And the three big screw ups, real stuff that will affect my life for a while. Two of them below, and the one last year that there is NO reason to talk about, but really was when it started. Why did I act like this after all those years of being the good girl, the baby of the family, getting all the attention I could want. Even to the point that my brother and sister maybe even felt a bit pushed to the side. I was good too, my parents were proud of me and it was all going so well. Why did I have to screw it all up?
Someday maybe I will know, but for now I want to talk about my mom. Like a play, the stage is set, Chloe, the psychobitch from hell, (and dont forget mega slut!), and her mom, angel from heaven with the wisdom of the ages, supported by the dad, a rock of stableness. And the scene, late spring early summer, Chloe had just embarrassed the family again, and caused major upsets to everyone in her life, and is acting completely psychotic!
It was maybe a week after graduation, which didnt go that well with my attitude, but school was over and the stress should have been off and we could all settle down to the summer. But I was still going, and maybe even worse. We had yelled at each other the day before, mom and me, and getting up this morning was going to be tense, seeing her, and as I was banging around in my room, going through piles of clothes looking for something to get dressed in, my mom knocks and comes in. I say WHAT. ?? She looks at me real direct, like straight in my eyes till I am staring back and we are locked together, and says it. I DONT WANT TO BE YOUR MOM ANYMORE.
Fuck. This is going to be the argument of all arguments, if she is starting like this. She said get dressed, brush your teeth and then we are going to talk. So shorty sweats and top, a couple of hair clips and fresh panties and mouth, and I am ready to fight, but I'm not looking forward to it, this sounds like things have changed, and maybe I have screwed things up so bad that they are kicking me out of the family or something. I'm a little sad knowing that they dont love me anymore, but I'm going to fight them anyway. Fuck them. I'm thinking maybe I can go live with my sister and her husband for the summer, they have a new house and I can help out as payment for staying there, but really my sister is sort of pissed at me right now. First I have always been the one who took "her" attention. She was like 8 or 9 when I was born and had to help mom, or find something to do while mom took care of me, or be a good girl, while me and my brother were babies and toddlers. She joked about it, but you knew it was a little bit true and she probably had some hidden stuff about it. So well maybe I can go live with grandma and grandpa in Palm Springs, they always love me, and I'm old enough to drive now, and maybe they would let me spend the summer. But they are old and maybe mom wouldnt want to dump me on them. I dont know.
I go into the living room and moms on the couch like she wants me to sit on it with her, and she has made two mochas, one for her and one for me. Strange. I sit on the far end, as far as I can get from her, but she leans over with my mocha and hands it to me and says take a sip, I made it the way you like with lots of choc syrup. OK now I know shes going to fuck with my mind. Is this my last drink before whatever? Nice knowing you chlo, when your finished the door is over there? And oh yeah leave all your clothes and stuff, because we paid for it? So I sip and its IS just like I like it, and I feel like crying, and I'm trying not to show it, but I feel like I'm going to miss this and everything and I'm a bit sad. But I'm going to be brave and take whatever she does.
Then she says it again, but kinda soft, "Chloe I dont want to be your mom anymore". Oh here it comes, fuck fuck fuck, then " I love you so much, and me being "THE MOM" and you being "THE DAUGHTER", is just not working for either of us. I want us to be something different, maybe more like who we really are without the labels, and things expected of us."
WTF?? And I flash on how true it is, like we are being these things to each other that is not who we really are. My heart is beating so hard, she loves me?!? She does! Not like I thought she didn't, but I am getting it that she really does! And my eyes start raining so hard you can hear the drops hitting the couch!
She says "what I am thinking is that we have a time out for a couple of hours everyday, when you can be who ever you want and I can be whoever I want, except neither of us can be mom or daughter. Maybe we can make up some strange reason why we are stuck together in the house, like you are a rock star and your car broke down on the road, and I'm a wealthy heiress with the only place a rock star could stay, or I'm the house keeper here and your my cousin from hondourus who I am hiding from immagration, or something like that different every day, and we can be together and not have to be what we are "SUPPOSED TO BE". "Deal"??
And I am crying so hard I cant talk, but I nod my head up and down real big, and try to look at her through my tears.
We sat there real quiet for a while and sipped our mochas and I was letting myself chill from all the rush and tension I had built up. Then after a bit, I scooted over next to her and snuggled against her arm. I told her real quiet that I loved her too and was so sorry. She hugged me real tight, and said be thinking who you are going to be, because we will start in a few minutes. And she was all smiling down at me, and god I was feeling sooo good.
So, theres more, and I'm going to call that post "my mom shows me who she really is by not being my mom or anyone I have ever known". Or something like that.
Of course we know she dies, just a couple months later, but this was one of the happiest times in my life, and I learned SO MUCH from her in those short months.
My Mom was the most amazing woman in the world.