Sunday, October 24, 2010


     I posted on facebook about how its raining and I should go read a book or do homework or meditate rather than surfing for clothes and amusing stuff. My dad meditates. He has this spot in the yard thats kinda off in a corner where he sits if the weather is nice and "does his hour". Hes meditated as long as I can remember. When I was little I remember him sitting in his office at home, on the floor with his legs crossed just looking at his desk. I thought it was funny that he would look at his desk for so long, my mom would tell me not to bother him, but he said I was welcome to come in the room and stuff when he was meditating as long as I wasnt too noisy. He said that he could hear everything anyway and it wasnt like he was asleep and would get woken up, it was just he was trying to be real quiet inside. And the stuff I would do or the noises I made were good practice for him to be quiet with. When I got older I understood and meditate sometimes my self. He told me its really simple, you just sit and be there quietly and let your thoughts happen but practice not adding to them or getting into them, but just sort of watch them happen and let go of them until they stop and everything is quiet inside. He said that sometimes you get to a state where you are super aware of everything and feel real happy but also so still inside, and its good to be that way sometimes. Not all the time, but then later when you are all worked up and stressed you can remember it and use it as a reference and get control of yourself.
     When I was like 3 or 4 I would go in with him being real good and quiet and sit next to him, but I didnt have more than 30 seconds of patience! But sometimes I would climb on his lap and lie across his legs or curl up and day dream about stuff. I used to think maybe I could sit on my dads lap when he was meditating and we would fly off to a different world where the animals could all talk, and people could fly in the air and things were real nice all the time. Sometimes I would fall asleep and dream and then wake up later in my bed.
    My dad is a real quiet person, but not like he is withdrawn, but like he is in a quiet space looking out at things. He is really observant about things that go on around him, hes like always got this little bit of a smile, like he is amused at all the activity around him, but happy in his quiet place watching. I think he could smirk at a nuclear explosion.
    My mom had this too, her own safe space she worked out of. Its like both of them had this way of making things around them go right and be happy and calm. Now that shes gone the world seems more hectic and unstable. I guess I need to learn some things.
    Sometimes my mom and dad would meditate together, sitting facing each other with their eyes closed. They would stay that way for their hour and afterwards you could almost feel them glowing from how calm they were.
     Its like the stuff my grandma taught us kids when we were little and stayed with her for the summer. She would have us sit in chairs across from each other and the game was to be perfectly happy just to sit there and not figgit. First with our eyes closed, and then looking at the other person. And then later she taught us how to practice talking without getting distracted by things people would say, or how to be in charge of the conversation by saying ok or whatever when the other person was done and then going on with our part. She called it trs for "training routines". and if we interupted people or didnt listen to them or let other people be rude to us, she would remind us to keep our trs in. My grandma is cool like my mom. You can say anything to her, like oh grandma a boy touched my boobs at the dance, and she wouldnt freak, shes just say yeah, tell me about that. She didnt make you feel bad or stupid about stuff. Shes getting old now, and grandpa too, and I was all worried about them dieing and what I would do if they did, but they are still alive. It was someone else I should have worried about.
     My mom said she started meditating when she was 15, and read all about zen and stuff, and even left her body one time. That sounds like dieing to me, but it would be cool if you could do that and come back. Some people say that when people die, they often come back in spirit form and talk to the people they loved and let them know they are ok. I wish my mom would do that. I'm crying right now thinking about that. But maybe she has and I was just so not quiet inside that I couldnt hear her, and thats one of the reasons I am thinking about meditating. I didnt say enough goodbyes or stuff when I knew she was dieing but still alive. I think I didnt want to believe it. And now its too late. But we talked about how she was really going to die and how she said it was ok to be real sad for a while but that I would be ok after a while. She said love doesnt die. Just bodies.
     Funny, rain falling outside, rain falling from my eyes.

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