Saturday, October 23, 2010

Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber was in Sacramento last night. No I didnt go see him! I go home on weekends, but people say I look like him! At least he is cute, so I must be cute, but he is going to grow hair on his face someday and I hope I dont!

And no! I am not lesbian! But I am not so girly either. Sometimes I just dont want to play the game, hair makeup cute clothes. I dont care that much what you think, if you want to judge me by my looks, I'm probably not interested in you anyway! Dad says this is a sign of a healthy self image, but I dont know really. Its like what is my self image? I dont know who I am really. Sometimes I think I'm a littel clone of my mom, but no way do I have her confidence, and no way am I as brave about doing stuff as she was. I think I'm a good girl, too worried about what mommy and daddy will think if I do the stuff thats really in my heart and in my head.
   Mom and dad were sort of hippies when they were my age. Mom hitchhiked by herself when she was 15! Now days its sort of automatic that they find pieces of your body cut up in plastic bags if you are a girl and hitchhike, after of course you were raped. Mom went to europe by herself when she was 19. She said she slept in parks sometimes, and went to bars. Of course she came back and went to college and worked and wasnt doing drugs after that, but she did join a cult for a while.
   Dad was in the military before college, but he didnt go to vietnam. He said he was lucky. He did do drugs though, he said that he used LSD, and smoked weed. Way to 420 dad. He says it wasnt the best thing to do because it made life harder to be stoned. And he said LSD had permanent effects on his thinking. Both of them never said they would punish me if I tried drugs, but I could tell that they would be disappointed if I did. Dad deals with people who have problems with drugs sometimes and he says it is a dangerous way to deal with life. But he is in favor of making all drugs legal, even heroin and stuff. But just legal and not condoned. I dont understand how that would work. You need a prescription for antibiotics, but not for heroin?
   The stoners I know are plenty good reason not to go 420 anyway. I would get so fat eating the junk food they consume when they are high! I would wiegh 300 pounds! I'm chubby enough as it is, and I'm gaining right now too.  :(  I know why, and I need to ride my bike more, but I close to everything on campus, and drive home on weekends. I need to get my bike out on the road at home and ride really hard so that I am so tired that I sleep all night. But the rains have come to nor cal, its raining right now, and we have the fireplace going, and maybe I will make waffles. Maybe I will be 300 lbs anyway!
   Doesnt matter now anyway, I'm not in the mood for a relationship or even a hookup really. Can you imagine it? All I would do is talk about my mom and me and the poor guy would say whatever, and get up and leave. Its kinda a good think that I dont have a relationship right now, because I dont have the energy to give. And I'm kinda changing too from girl to woman, I feel like I have real problems now not kid problems, and guys dont want ANY problems! I think they want their mommys, but younger and with sex. I'm ok with the sex, but not the MOMMY. I need a man, when I am ready. Not now though.
   Officially I am a virgin. But its an "any thing but IT" virgin. (sorry daddy, truth is hard like yousay!) Ive pretty much done a lot, just not it. Well anal either!!! ewwwwwyuckewww. But I was asked! "please!? I will be so gentle, and you cant get pregnant". Yeah. Right. Like that makes me want to do THAT! Its not that I dont have a bit of freak in me, but youd really need to sweet talk me to get that! If you are reading this, we were just too young for anything. I want someone who I can be intimate with, share stuff that you wouldnt tell anyone else and have little secret looks with each other and trust completely and it just doesnt seem to happen when you are 16.
   Mom and dad used to have parties and dads friends were all like doctors and researchers and science people, and moms friends were artists and business owners and real casual people. She said it made the party dynamic to have different people. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it failed massivley. But I was thinking about intimacy and it reminded me of something that happend to me at this party they had. Dad and his friends were hanging in a bunch talking work things and not too many of moms friends were there yet, and I was playing moms little helper, being a hostess like person, and I was talking to one of moms friends who was a photographer in San Francisco, because no one else was. We were talking a lot, and it was like we had a lot in common and stuff, and he was acting like I was interesting, and he was interesting and we were laughing and stuff, and then a moment came when we both ran out of things to say for just a second and he sat there looking into my eyes and I was looking into his eyes, and we stayed like that for way longer than normal, and my heart started to beat real hard! It was like I saw his soul or something and he could see me. It was like I was naked in front of him and he could see the real me and me him. It was one of the most intense things I have EVER felt. And then my mom laughed across the room and the spell was broken  :(  and he looked away and said he had to circulate. My mom wasnt laughing at him, but I think it reminded him of who I was and who he was and where he was. Because he was 40 and I was 15, and he had 2 kids and an ex wife, and I was an underage kid of someone who he did work for. FUCK. I probably would have! That would be a mess! I think mom saw and knew too, she said later that I scared the pee out of him. And she never invited him to parties again. Although she was totally cool with me having that experience, and the crush that lasted for a while after! She understood that and honored it. She was so cool about honoring peoples feelings, it was like she would never make fun of stuff that was important to you even if it was stupid.
   God damn it I miss her. OK. Waffles.

:(   :)   (bipolar!)

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